courage and perseverance

It is so funny to me how I'm annoyed with pop culture lingo in its early popularity and for a long while to come, and then very often lose my ground and become a late adopter. I've no interest in sounding ridiculous like all of the other cow-ish people. I felt this way about both 'dude' and 'right on', which I later found great use for.

Every so often I make a list of who I'd like to be at my wedding. It has nothing at all to do with the wedding or marriage; rather, I'm enamored with the idea of all of the people that i really love being in one room celebrating with me. The list changes and there are some constants. Lately, I've envisioned Abuelita as my maid of honor. One of my many recurring fantasies. Another is my funeral, which feels far more self-indulgent. I'm watching all who loved me and how I've impacted their life. Another is this wonderful and carefree dancing with one or another of my female friends in front of the stage at a show that we go to. While I dance sometimes, it isn't really with someone and not as free and celebratory and charming as I imagine this to be.

I have a recurring dream that I'm in hiding with a group of people in a large building or house. I can't make out the place but it resembles Nazi Germany. It is a fragmented group of people, not my family or not all of my family. I'm very young though I'm one of the leaders. Usually there is a point in the dream where they come and we flee on foot. Rarely is there a sense that the danger is gone, it is more about the business of survival. Another dark recurring dream is that my car is missing and I can't get to my destination. I try walking and biking without much progress. Then I backtrack thinking maybe I can find my car. It has the feel of Camus' The Myth of Sisyphus, with less hope and transcendance.

I am feeling sad and tired of sad. Can you tell? Long story, recurring theme, recurring players. I change slowly with each evolution. I left in my car and turned Sun Kil Moon up to drown out the feelings for a moment (didn't work) and went to see Ocean's Twelve (loved Julia's Julia near the end). The cold feels good tonight. Bring on the winter cold and the snow, more truth, whatever.